Last week has been really confusing again

The last week has been really confusing with quite a few seizures. Both tonic-clonic and complex-partial have been involved and it gets on your back as afterwards you are just fucked up with the confusion that it leaves you wearing for days, your memory screwed yet again.

Epilepsy and confusion

Days go by and it's ok and then - bang - you don't know what's going on, no reason, no excuse, nothing other than you're buggered, fucked up again - but why, do you know coz I don't. I'm sober for ages, I keep myself well fed so I'm putting on a bit of weight and wham, bang, say thanks to your mam - or was it you sister, I never can tell coz they've both got bad breath but I come to in the ambulance or the hospital, wherever. I've had another fit.

I live on my own now so I look after myself and sometimes I sleep until six in the afternoon. By then the cat is starving, screaming at me for food and it's difficult because of the confusion, it's a real struggle to help out the wee man but I get there in the end.

Don't think that it will ever get any better - whether I'm good or bad - it doesn't really matter now as we're getting to the end of the road and there's still no choice.

Don't think that it will go away. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my natural.

Question is, when will it be worth smiling.

Bad time for a seizure

I would have written this a while ago but things have got in the way, I've been in hospital and all the rest.

I had a complex-partial seizure a few weeks ago, while in an awkward situation. I was having a shower, or perhaps I'd only just turned the shower on, maybe I'd had the shower and was about to turn it off, I don't know because I have no memory of what happened. All I know is that, for some reason, I landed face first on the tap cum shower unit in the bath when I was in seizure.

I know this happened because of the damage that I both caused and suffered. Jings, what a mess my face was and it was a while before I sorted the shower hose. I should have gotten on to Hjatland Housing here in Shetland, who are my landlord, then and got what is now agreed to be done an awful lot sooner.

They, thank goodness, are taking out the bath and making up solely a shower unit that is less of a problem for me if I go into seizure at the wrong time again.

That will make life so much easier, I'll find it a lot more simple to safely wash and therefore not smell so bad when I go out. I bet the neighbours approve.

Thanks guys, I appreciate it bigtime!!!

Well, that's a different story

Over the last couple of months, I've been pretty lucky. I've had a couple of tonic-clonic seizures but nothing disasterous, no great damage either, luckily.

As for complex-partials, well that's a different story. It seems to have been quite bad of late. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I dream it as I go along but I doubt it. I might get one or two wrong but not them all.

The confusion that it introduces, the lack of memory, both of the day or so past and also of the day or so to come really buggers me up - and I don't know that it's happened. That's also the worst bit, not knowing. If I knew then I could take note or phone the doctor, do something - but there is nothing that I can do because I literally know nothing about it, about what has happened.

So there is only one thing to do and that is to struggle on. If you think of anything better then, please, give me a shout will you???

Makes it all a bit confusing, doesn't it!!!

Ridiculous, it's only mid-morning and I'm completely knackered. Seriously considering going back up the stairs for two or three hours kip.

The trouble with that though is that I won't be able to sleep tonight and when tomorrow morning gets to be around again then I'll miss it, waking up in the middle of the afternoon. Not much good, huh.

What's the bet that I've had an epileptic seizure along the line somewhere. Don't know where, don't know when but I bet that I've had one.

The trouble is that I have no record of it, no proof.

Makes it all a bit confusing, doesn't it!!! Did it happen or did it not. Are you sure? Really, now think about it!!!

Think that I will go back to bed. I might feel better next week.

The pain remains the same

A shit morning, long time spent unconscious in the bath with the shower on. Confusion, desperation and pain. Where am I, who am I, what can I do?

Slowly the mind clears and sense recovers. Still, hours missing, big blank period in there, no knowledge of what happened there.

Epilepsy is so destructive, often destructive by leaving nothing but damage in it's wake. How can you explain it, how can you justify it. You have nothing to talk about, there is nothing there but the madness and the bloody great bruise on the back of your head.

And when you look back, there is no explanation, only questions, more and more questions.

And the questions cause pain, more and more mental pain because there are no answers, only pain, both mental and physical and what can I do, how can I attain control of my mind, stop the damage?

You tell me, I have no idea. I try and try and life remains the same.

The pain remains the same.

Saturday Seizure

On Saturday it was lovely and sunny, no wind, so I spent some time out in the garden tidying it up, trimming this, feeding that.

It was a lovely day - and then I keeled over with a tonic-clonic seizure.

One of my neighbours was kind enough to call the doctor, who called the ambulance, who took me to hospital where I stayed until Monday afternoon.

The irritating thing, as usual, is that I know nothing about the seizure, only about where it took me, what it took from me and the little that is left in my life because of it.

Bit of a bitch, eh!!!

Early to bed

Look at that. It's twenty past two in the afternoon, I had a good nights sleep last night and I'm knackered. Complex partial seizure perhaps?

This has got to be the worlds largest pain in the arse, bar none. Thank goodness that I had a decent lunch (It's amazing what you can do with potato's). Wait and see, I won't put up with it much longer, oh no, I'll go off to bed and sleep through the day - and night.

I hope that you hear the snoring :))