Last week has been really confusing again

The last week has been really confusing with quite a few seizures. Both tonic-clonic and complex-partial have been involved and it gets on your back as afterwards you are just fucked up with the confusion that it leaves you wearing for days, your memory screwed yet again.

Epilepsy and confusion

Days go by and it's ok and then - bang - you don't know what's going on, no reason, no excuse, nothing other than you're buggered, fucked up again - but why, do you know coz I don't. I'm sober for ages, I keep myself well fed so I'm putting on a bit of weight and wham, bang, say thanks to your mam - or was it you sister, I never can tell coz they've both got bad breath but I come to in the ambulance or the hospital, wherever. I've had another fit.

I live on my own now so I look after myself and sometimes I sleep until six in the afternoon. By then the cat is starving, screaming at me for food and it's difficult because of the confusion, it's a real struggle to help out the wee man but I get there in the end.

Don't think that it will ever get any better - whether I'm good or bad - it doesn't really matter now as we're getting to the end of the road and there's still no choice.

Don't think that it will go away. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my natural.

Question is, when will it be worth smiling.

Bad time for a seizure

I would have written this a while ago but things have got in the way, I've been in hospital and all the rest.

I had a complex-partial seizure a few weeks ago, while in an awkward situation. I was having a shower, or perhaps I'd only just turned the shower on, maybe I'd had the shower and was about to turn it off, I don't know because I have no memory of what happened. All I know is that, for some reason, I landed face first on the tap cum shower unit in the bath when I was in seizure.

I know this happened because of the damage that I both caused and suffered. Jings, what a mess my face was and it was a while before I sorted the shower hose. I should have gotten on to Hjatland Housing here in Shetland, who are my landlord, then and got what is now agreed to be done an awful lot sooner.

They, thank goodness, are taking out the bath and making up solely a shower unit that is less of a problem for me if I go into seizure at the wrong time again.

That will make life so much easier, I'll find it a lot more simple to safely wash and therefore not smell so bad when I go out. I bet the neighbours approve.

Thanks guys, I appreciate it bigtime!!!

Well, that's a different story

Over the last couple of months, I've been pretty lucky. I've had a couple of tonic-clonic seizures but nothing disasterous, no great damage either, luckily.

As for complex-partials, well that's a different story. It seems to have been quite bad of late. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I dream it as I go along but I doubt it. I might get one or two wrong but not them all.

The confusion that it introduces, the lack of memory, both of the day or so past and also of the day or so to come really buggers me up - and I don't know that it's happened. That's also the worst bit, not knowing. If I knew then I could take note or phone the doctor, do something - but there is nothing that I can do because I literally know nothing about it, about what has happened.

So there is only one thing to do and that is to struggle on. If you think of anything better then, please, give me a shout will you???

I've not keeled over - for a day or two!!!

I don't think that I've keeled over for a day or two. It does get a bit confusing sometimes but the weekend went really well from my perspective, which may well be a bit different from yours, as epilepsy, from the two forms that I suffer from, is so destructive in memory.

But as I say, it has been running pretty well  for the last couple of days. It would be great if it runs on for another few days, maybe a week, I'm hoping for a month, haha, that'll be right, but you have to have hope in your heart don't you ;))

I do carry on hoping though. You cannot give up, that's the road to suicide isn't it, it's an option I suppose but it's not really a good one :))

The hell involved in a complex-partial seizure!!!

Yesterday, well yesterday has been and gone and I have no memory of it whatsoever.

I haven’t hurt myself (I don’t think :? ) but, in effect, yesterday does not exist. I have no recollection of what I did, where I was, so what really happened?

I take it that I suffered a complex-partial seizure yesterday at some time. I find them very confusing as they so often leave nothing behind. Nothing at all, apart of course from an empty space in your head, and in this case, yesterday is empty.

That doesn’t mean that anything went wrong yesterday. Perhaps I have just forgotten what went on, what happened yesterday but I doubt it. Yesterday just does not exist in my mind at all, nothing, nixi. I’ve just checked through the house, the computer and everything else that I can think of and there is nothing amiss that I can pick up on.

But yesterday does not exist. I do see that I have written on a forum – or that there is writing in my name anyway, but I have no knowledge of having written it, the subject that I wrote about. I’ll have to chase this up – but what will I find? Probably nothing and that’s where it gets difficult, frightening. My Saturday, to me anyway, does not exist in the normal world.

I live on my own now so there is no-one to remind me, to tell me what I forgot to do, promised to do a week on Thursday or to shout at me because I got it wrong again. Living alone, in many ways is great – but in some is absolute hell.

The spaces, the empty gaps, the days that don’t exist. The periods of time that are full to the brim with……….. nothing, nothing at all. Even the space doesn’t exist, you have to work it out, work out that there is something missing.

You know that there is a bit missing and will remain that way, unless of course someone makes a comment, maybe you check your bank account and find that you’ve bought something.

Or wasted it all?

What have I done this time???

I hate this, it scares me, a tiny little space of twenty-four hours that is too small to hold in my hand but too large to get a hold of in my mind.

A huge little space that I can't get a grip of, that I know nothing about, that has come and gone and no longer exists.

Maybe it never did. Maybe it's been a six day week, Saturday cancelled and we've saved a fortune.

Maybe.

Confusion!!!

Both yesterday and today have been a bit confusing. Periods with no memory. I didn't have to pick myself up off the floor I don't think and there is no damage done but there are empty spaces and areas of confusion.

Could well be complex partial seizures but I live on my own now so how do I tell. I haven't been out (I don't think) since Thursday as nothing has been needed that I can think of.....





Will tomorrow be an improvement?

Will I know?

Will I retain any memory?

Will I remember to tell you?

Possible seizure last night

I possibly - no, probably - had a seizure of some kind last night. I'm not sure what happened, I'm a bit mixed up about it and it's taken me a couple of hours to work that out. Probably sounds a bit stupid but that's how it goes when you live on your own. There's no-one else around to say to you  that this or that happened, or even to ask you why you dozed off, if that's what happened.

I suspect that it was a complex partial seizure because there is no damage, no bruising, no aches or pains caused by falling over while in seizure. But last night doesn't exist to me. There is no memory from 5.00 or 6.00 pm onwards. I woke up this morning and there was no last night, none at all.

I've checked and I took my medication at some point last night so that's alright, I must have been switched on for long enough to get it done correctly.

What else? I don't have anything else about last night, it doesn't exist. Did I miss good or bad? If we were going to make love then:

God, you're good, hope you're coming round again tonight!!!

or

Sorry, I wasn't too well, hope you're coming round again tonight!!!