And it is only a possibility

This morning hasn't happened, it just never occurred. Thursday  morning today was cut off because it's cheaper to run the days like that. Charge the same for half the time. No complaints if you know nothing about it.

It takes hours sometimes to realise that there is time missing. You may never know why it's missing or where it's missing from, maybe all the when's about it. That's why I hate it - all it leads to is confusion. Just as well that I don't work at the moment because I doubt it would be possible to maintain a job with brain attacks like this.

And all that is left is the possibility that something passed by without shouting loudly enough.

And it is only a possibility - because I might be wrong.

It's probably the result of a complex partial seizure, I know that - but that's all that I can say about it because that's all I have, that's all the knowledge that I have regarding the missing bit.

It won't come back tomorrow - if tomorrow comes.

The angry epileptic

It's half past eleven in the morning and I feel crap. If this never gets published then I'm sure that you know why. These warnings have been on the go since I got up just after seven this morning, that's four hours of it so far.

They might last all day, They might go away in twenty minutes time or I may go into seizure - at any time. I hate this, I fucking well hate this because it controls my whole life. It makes me look a right idiot in public and is the reason that I neither live in my own home or work for a living.

Instead, I'm in a tiny little rented house, in the middle of a scheme, without the ability to purchase and I don't think that will change.

It is also unlikely that I will work again but I will never stop complaining.

After all, I'm a Scotsman.

I had intended to go into town

Very much a bad day today. It's about lunchtime now and I'm at home. I have felt like a seizure is coming on since I got out of bed at about seven this morning.

I had intended to go into town and do this weeks shopping but the bus either didn't show or it was late. Regardless, I felt like I was about to go into seizure so I gave up on the bus and went back home, where I've continued to feel like there's a seizure on the way.

It might not happen but we'll wait and see.

The hell involved in a complex-partial seizure!!!

Yesterday, well yesterday has been and gone and I have no memory of it whatsoever.

I haven’t hurt myself (I don’t think :? ) but, in effect, yesterday does not exist. I have no recollection of what I did, where I was, so what really happened?

I take it that I suffered a complex-partial seizure yesterday at some time. I find them very confusing as they so often leave nothing behind. Nothing at all, apart of course from an empty space in your head, and in this case, yesterday is empty.

That doesn’t mean that anything went wrong yesterday. Perhaps I have just forgotten what went on, what happened yesterday but I doubt it. Yesterday just does not exist in my mind at all, nothing, nixi. I’ve just checked through the house, the computer and everything else that I can think of and there is nothing amiss that I can pick up on.

But yesterday does not exist. I do see that I have written on a forum – or that there is writing in my name anyway, but I have no knowledge of having written it, the subject that I wrote about. I’ll have to chase this up – but what will I find? Probably nothing and that’s where it gets difficult, frightening. My Saturday, to me anyway, does not exist in the normal world.

I live on my own now so there is no-one to remind me, to tell me what I forgot to do, promised to do a week on Thursday or to shout at me because I got it wrong again. Living alone, in many ways is great – but in some is absolute hell.

The spaces, the empty gaps, the days that don’t exist. The periods of time that are full to the brim with……….. nothing, nothing at all. Even the space doesn’t exist, you have to work it out, work out that there is something missing.

You know that there is a bit missing and will remain that way, unless of course someone makes a comment, maybe you check your bank account and find that you’ve bought something.

Or wasted it all?

What have I done this time???

I hate this, it scares me, a tiny little space of twenty-four hours that is too small to hold in my hand but too large to get a hold of in my mind.

A huge little space that I can't get a grip of, that I know nothing about, that has come and gone and no longer exists.

Maybe it never did. Maybe it's been a six day week, Saturday cancelled and we've saved a fortune.

Maybe.

A week past Friday

A week past Friday, I was in the local shop buying some food and I went into seizure. I am told that I crashed to the floor and one of the girls went up the street to get the doctor. I’ll bet she was down to see me pretty quick, she’s a good one, she is!!!

There was no warning there. I often get something to tell me something will happen but not this time. A bit of warning and I stay home. I find that there is less trouble if I can have epileptic seizures at home, less trouble caused and fewer tears shed.

This time, everyone saw it happen. That’s ok, Shetland is a caring, loving place but I don’t  like to cause so much hassle.

I’ve been out a couple of times since but I’ve been careful not to go and have a fit in public.