Bad time for a seizure

I would have written this a while ago but things have got in the way, I've been in hospital and all the rest.

I had a complex-partial seizure a few weeks ago, while in an awkward situation. I was having a shower, or perhaps I'd only just turned the shower on, maybe I'd had the shower and was about to turn it off, I don't know because I have no memory of what happened. All I know is that, for some reason, I landed face first on the tap cum shower unit in the bath when I was in seizure.

I know this happened because of the damage that I both caused and suffered. Jings, what a mess my face was and it was a while before I sorted the shower hose. I should have gotten on to Hjatland Housing here in Shetland, who are my landlord, then and got what is now agreed to be done an awful lot sooner.

They, thank goodness, are taking out the bath and making up solely a shower unit that is less of a problem for me if I go into seizure at the wrong time again.

That will make life so much easier, I'll find it a lot more simple to safely wash and therefore not smell so bad when I go out. I bet the neighbours approve.

Thanks guys, I appreciate it bigtime!!!

Well, that's a different story

Over the last couple of months, I've been pretty lucky. I've had a couple of tonic-clonic seizures but nothing disasterous, no great damage either, luckily.

As for complex-partials, well that's a different story. It seems to have been quite bad of late. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I dream it as I go along but I doubt it. I might get one or two wrong but not them all.

The confusion that it introduces, the lack of memory, both of the day or so past and also of the day or so to come really buggers me up - and I don't know that it's happened. That's also the worst bit, not knowing. If I knew then I could take note or phone the doctor, do something - but there is nothing that I can do because I literally know nothing about it, about what has happened.

So there is only one thing to do and that is to struggle on. If you think of anything better then, please, give me a shout will you???

Makes it all a bit confusing, doesn't it!!!

Ridiculous, it's only mid-morning and I'm completely knackered. Seriously considering going back up the stairs for two or three hours kip.

The trouble with that though is that I won't be able to sleep tonight and when tomorrow morning gets to be around again then I'll miss it, waking up in the middle of the afternoon. Not much good, huh.

What's the bet that I've had an epileptic seizure along the line somewhere. Don't know where, don't know when but I bet that I've had one.

The trouble is that I have no record of it, no proof.

Makes it all a bit confusing, doesn't it!!! Did it happen or did it not. Are you sure? Really, now think about it!!!

Think that I will go back to bed. I might feel better next week.

The pain remains the same

A shit morning, long time spent unconscious in the bath with the shower on. Confusion, desperation and pain. Where am I, who am I, what can I do?

Slowly the mind clears and sense recovers. Still, hours missing, big blank period in there, no knowledge of what happened there.

Epilepsy is so destructive, often destructive by leaving nothing but damage in it's wake. How can you explain it, how can you justify it. You have nothing to talk about, there is nothing there but the madness and the bloody great bruise on the back of your head.

And when you look back, there is no explanation, only questions, more and more questions.

And the questions cause pain, more and more mental pain because there are no answers, only pain, both mental and physical and what can I do, how can I attain control of my mind, stop the damage?

You tell me, I have no idea. I try and try and life remains the same.

The pain remains the same.

Saturday Seizure

On Saturday it was lovely and sunny, no wind, so I spent some time out in the garden tidying it up, trimming this, feeding that.

It was a lovely day - and then I keeled over with a tonic-clonic seizure.

One of my neighbours was kind enough to call the doctor, who called the ambulance, who took me to hospital where I stayed until Monday afternoon.

The irritating thing, as usual, is that I know nothing about the seizure, only about where it took me, what it took from me and the little that is left in my life because of it.

Bit of a bitch, eh!!!

Early to bed

Look at that. It's twenty past two in the afternoon, I had a good nights sleep last night and I'm knackered. Complex partial seizure perhaps?

This has got to be the worlds largest pain in the arse, bar none. Thank goodness that I had a decent lunch (It's amazing what you can do with potato's). Wait and see, I won't put up with it much longer, oh no, I'll go off to bed and sleep through the day - and night.

I hope that you hear the snoring :))

Another bloody disaster

Yesterday was a right bloody disaster. I had an appointment to see the alcohol nurse at the hospital in town and I was looking forward to seeing her. She's a nice lass and easy to talk to - but, big but - on the way to seeing her I went into seizure.

I'd had my breakfast at the Harbour Cafe, it's always a bit of a treat for me because I don't need to cook it - and then I was in the Gilbert Bain Hospital. That's tonic-clonic epilepsy for you!!!

How long I was there for, how I got there, I'm sorry, I have no knowledge. I just remember a smashing breakfast and then being in hospital with a few scratches, a bit of blood and some bruising to my face, oh, and a headache. I guess that I landed on it.

I had a chat to the doctor, who is arranging further meetings and I left at around three o'clock.

Straight to the bus station, on to the bus and home. What a wonderful day - when I could have done something constructive for a change.

The headache hasn't gone away yet which might indicate further seizures - or a broken nights sleep tonight, who knows ;))

I've not keeled over - for a day or two!!!

I don't think that I've keeled over for a day or two. It does get a bit confusing sometimes but the weekend went really well from my perspective, which may well be a bit different from yours, as epilepsy, from the two forms that I suffer from, is so destructive in memory.

But as I say, it has been running pretty well  for the last couple of days. It would be great if it runs on for another few days, maybe a week, I'm hoping for a month, haha, that'll be right, but you have to have hope in your heart don't you ;))

I do carry on hoping though. You cannot give up, that's the road to suicide isn't it, it's an option I suppose but it's not really a good one :))

Last Friday it started

Aw, jings. I said to myself this morning, "I'll tidy up the lawn and mark it up so that I can see where to cut out for the new flowers." That'll be right, I got into the shower and at some point I had an epileptic seizure, keeled over and landed on my face. My neck and head are bloody sore and the new flowers can go and abuse themselves with a smile on their faces. I'm doing nothing useful today.

It's been a crap week to tell the truth. Last Friday I had to clean up the wall, the radiator and the fridge-freezer because I obviously had a cup of coffee in my hand when I went into seizure. I spent Saturday in bed because of it. I had a fit on Sunday, possibly in the morning, don't know anything more about it, other than the fact that I woke up for dinner at half past six at night, just before bedtime. Then today I had a fit in the shower. Because of that, both my neck and head hurt and my nose has had a good belt too.

Sod the garden, sod the dinner, I'll soon be in my bed - I can't get hurt there - I hope :( 

And it is only a possibility

This morning hasn't happened, it just never occurred. Thursday  morning today was cut off because it's cheaper to run the days like that. Charge the same for half the time. No complaints if you know nothing about it.

It takes hours sometimes to realise that there is time missing. You may never know why it's missing or where it's missing from, maybe all the when's about it. That's why I hate it - all it leads to is confusion. Just as well that I don't work at the moment because I doubt it would be possible to maintain a job with brain attacks like this.

And all that is left is the possibility that something passed by without shouting loudly enough.

And it is only a possibility - because I might be wrong.

It's probably the result of a complex partial seizure, I know that - but that's all that I can say about it because that's all I have, that's all the knowledge that I have regarding the missing bit.

It won't come back tomorrow - if tomorrow comes.

The angry epileptic

It's half past eleven in the morning and I feel crap. If this never gets published then I'm sure that you know why. These warnings have been on the go since I got up just after seven this morning, that's four hours of it so far.

They might last all day, They might go away in twenty minutes time or I may go into seizure - at any time. I hate this, I fucking well hate this because it controls my whole life. It makes me look a right idiot in public and is the reason that I neither live in my own home or work for a living.

Instead, I'm in a tiny little rented house, in the middle of a scheme, without the ability to purchase and I don't think that will change.

It is also unlikely that I will work again but I will never stop complaining.

After all, I'm a Scotsman.

I had intended to go into town

Very much a bad day today. It's about lunchtime now and I'm at home. I have felt like a seizure is coming on since I got out of bed at about seven this morning.

I had intended to go into town and do this weeks shopping but the bus either didn't show or it was late. Regardless, I felt like I was about to go into seizure so I gave up on the bus and went back home, where I've continued to feel like there's a seizure on the way.

It might not happen but we'll wait and see.

The hell involved in a complex-partial seizure!!!

Yesterday, well yesterday has been and gone and I have no memory of it whatsoever.

I haven’t hurt myself (I don’t think :? ) but, in effect, yesterday does not exist. I have no recollection of what I did, where I was, so what really happened?

I take it that I suffered a complex-partial seizure yesterday at some time. I find them very confusing as they so often leave nothing behind. Nothing at all, apart of course from an empty space in your head, and in this case, yesterday is empty.

That doesn’t mean that anything went wrong yesterday. Perhaps I have just forgotten what went on, what happened yesterday but I doubt it. Yesterday just does not exist in my mind at all, nothing, nixi. I’ve just checked through the house, the computer and everything else that I can think of and there is nothing amiss that I can pick up on.

But yesterday does not exist. I do see that I have written on a forum – or that there is writing in my name anyway, but I have no knowledge of having written it, the subject that I wrote about. I’ll have to chase this up – but what will I find? Probably nothing and that’s where it gets difficult, frightening. My Saturday, to me anyway, does not exist in the normal world.

I live on my own now so there is no-one to remind me, to tell me what I forgot to do, promised to do a week on Thursday or to shout at me because I got it wrong again. Living alone, in many ways is great – but in some is absolute hell.

The spaces, the empty gaps, the days that don’t exist. The periods of time that are full to the brim with……….. nothing, nothing at all. Even the space doesn’t exist, you have to work it out, work out that there is something missing.

You know that there is a bit missing and will remain that way, unless of course someone makes a comment, maybe you check your bank account and find that you’ve bought something.

Or wasted it all?

What have I done this time???

I hate this, it scares me, a tiny little space of twenty-four hours that is too small to hold in my hand but too large to get a hold of in my mind.

A huge little space that I can't get a grip of, that I know nothing about, that has come and gone and no longer exists.

Maybe it never did. Maybe it's been a six day week, Saturday cancelled and we've saved a fortune.

Maybe.

A week past Friday

A week past Friday, I was in the local shop buying some food and I went into seizure. I am told that I crashed to the floor and one of the girls went up the street to get the doctor. I’ll bet she was down to see me pretty quick, she’s a good one, she is!!!

There was no warning there. I often get something to tell me something will happen but not this time. A bit of warning and I stay home. I find that there is less trouble if I can have epileptic seizures at home, less trouble caused and fewer tears shed.

This time, everyone saw it happen. That’s ok, Shetland is a caring, loving place but I don’t  like to cause so much hassle.

I’ve been out a couple of times since but I’ve been careful not to go and have a fit in public.

Everyday First Aid: Seizure (epilepsy)

Yesterday, maybe

Yesterday, something wrong happened. Around about six o'clock, teatime, my memory stops. Nothing at all until around nine thirty this morning when I woke up in bed. No recollection at all as to what, if anything, happened.

I suspect that I had a tonic-clonic seizure, probably in the living-room, as my face is a bit tender, my right-hand cheek a bit bruised and tender but that in itself will not be a problem. Tomorrow, perhaps Monday at the latest and it will be gone.

I guess that I picked myself up at sometime and went to bed and slept it off. Pity that there is no recollection of what happened. No more than a guess at the time that the mental clock switched off and no idea of bedtime.

At least it was the right bed, I suppose :))

If I wasn't an alcoholic

If I wasn't an alcoholic I wouldn't have got my head kicked in twenty-nine years ago and wound up with epilepsy.

Talk about fucking yourself up big style!!!

Talk about stupid!!!

A possible good day!!!

Today isn't finished yet but what I've been through is complete and easy to remember which indicates that there is a good chance that I have not had a seizure - yet, so I'll keep my fingers crossed as the day isn't over, still a bit of time to go.

Tonight will be an early one again, that way I can get away with reading my magazine in bed - and before there are any smart comments, it's not Playboy, I gave that one back, via your wife of course and she was furious, serves you right. No, it's this months copy of Web Design so tomorrow I shall wake up educated (almost).

Fingers crossed for the rest of the day though!!!

Confusion!!!

Both yesterday and today have been a bit confusing. Periods with no memory. I didn't have to pick myself up off the floor I don't think and there is no damage done but there are empty spaces and areas of confusion.

Could well be complex partial seizures but I live on my own now so how do I tell. I haven't been out (I don't think) since Thursday as nothing has been needed that I can think of.....





Will tomorrow be an improvement?

Will I know?

Will I retain any memory?

Will I remember to tell you?

Back on my feet!!!

I slept well last night, thank goodness as I had to come into town today. I feel OK now which is surprising as I usually suffer a bit longer when I have a tonic-clonic seizure. The arm is a bit bruised but that's all.

Fingers crossed that I can stay on my feet today, not so bad if it happens on the bus as they know where to dump me!!!

Tonic-clonic seizure

It was probably a tonic-clonic seizure that hit me this afternoon. Unusual because it's usually morning or night, sometimes during the day but not often - apart from today of course. Possibly around two-ish and it's now past eight, that's the day (and my shoulder) buggered.

I'm going to bed!!!

Good day today!!!

Today it's been a good day so far. Have been on my own throughout though so......

I don't feel like I've had a seizure though so I'll just carry on believing that :))

Possible seizure last night

I possibly - no, probably - had a seizure of some kind last night. I'm not sure what happened, I'm a bit mixed up about it and it's taken me a couple of hours to work that out. Probably sounds a bit stupid but that's how it goes when you live on your own. There's no-one else around to say to you  that this or that happened, or even to ask you why you dozed off, if that's what happened.

I suspect that it was a complex partial seizure because there is no damage, no bruising, no aches or pains caused by falling over while in seizure. But last night doesn't exist to me. There is no memory from 5.00 or 6.00 pm onwards. I woke up this morning and there was no last night, none at all.

I've checked and I took my medication at some point last night so that's alright, I must have been switched on for long enough to get it done correctly.

What else? I don't have anything else about last night, it doesn't exist. Did I miss good or bad? If we were going to make love then:

God, you're good, hope you're coming round again tonight!!!

or

Sorry, I wasn't too well, hope you're coming round again tonight!!!

And it screws things up too!!!

It was 1983, I was 21 and I was assaulted. I suffered a fractured skull and a brain haemorrhage. It really buggered my life up. The following year I suffered my first tonic-clonic seizure.

Until then I'd been working as a service engineer and enjoying it too. That was that finished. I got my driving licence back in'87 so I started a business - which I lost in 1990. Guess why!!!

Instead of having to be free of epilepsy for two years, it had changed to being free of epilepsy for one year before you got your licence back so  I got mine back in February or March '92. Off to work in the building trade for ten years and happy with it.

But the next disaster. In 2002 it was identified that I was suffering from complex partial seizures and I realised that I had been taking them since 1983. That answered the question, "What the hell is going on, what's happening to me???" At least it identifies the mistakes that I make. It identifies the stupidity that you feel by the  errors in life that it causes.

So, the last thing that could be done was an operation on my brain. It happened in 2009 but was not successful, leaving me with both tonic-clonic and complex partial seizures. It has also affected my eyesight.

What's left - you tell me without saying "Fuck all."